[Kid shivers, now thankful that Kesara can't see him. If she could, she'd see how pale he's grown--and considering how close to deathly white he typically is, it's not a good look.]
I am...sure he meant well. Obviously, he intended to educate Mr. Solomons, correct?
[Of course, "Mr. Solomons" went on to continue to agitate the young reaper enough that he ended up having the tablet taken away from him, but that is neither here nor there. Kid takes a slow breath, running his hands over his face.]
Miss Freamon--ah, Miss Kesara-- shit --Kesara, my apologies. I forgot. [Kid is used to roundabout discussion of his disordered behavior. Laughter from his rambunctious blonde weapon partner as he is in shambles and hysterics because the setup of the room is asymmetrical, a comment of disgust from his classmate about his perpetual tardiness because seven AM is a hideous time to arrive at...but he is unused to Watson's simple explanation that his personality quirks are disordered behavior--and treatable at that. That Kesara has followed up herself and is now asking is a bit much, and it's showing in how cripplingly anxious Kid's reactions are becoming. He had been calm and collected the last times they had talked, but now he is nothing short of a mess.] What he said--about me--
What is it you are trying to get at? [He doesn't sound angry; more frustrated than anything else. His hands are in his hair again, tugging at strands of striped hair.] I've certainly never started a mission planning to--I don't want to have to rearrange--I don't intend to spend hours--
[Kid heaves a shaking sigh, exasperated.] I can't help it!
[He's practically falling to pieces, she thinks, frightened and fascinated at it. She hasn't meant for it to happen, and her own heart thunders harder and harder the more she listens to his distress. But there is also a strange hypnotic effect to it, knowing that it was her words - really very simple words, too - that elicited such a response. That there's such an obvious, easy button to push...
But of course there is. She understands completely because she had been in his place, because now she is sure of what she'd only considered as a way possibility when she messaged him. The reason she had messaged him. He isn't faking this. Something is wrong with him, and perhaps it really is not so different from what is wrong with her.]
I know you can't. [She speaks very quietly. She does that, when it's time to speak truths. Truths are easier to whisper.] I know because - because I don't intend to not be able to - to do the things I can't do either. They said I was lazy and wasn't trying hard enough and that I was lying about it to get out of doing work and learning and that I should be ashamed. And then they said, it's a defect. Like a crippled foot, but in the brain...
[Now it's her turn to stop, draw a breath. It's not as hard on her as it clearly is on him, and she can't quite say why - she doesn't want to say it's because she's stronger. That is just the wrong thing to say. And it is still hard. She's so used to straining so much, coming up with so many tricks to hide it.]
But now Dr. Watson says it's a an illness. That people like me get better.
[Kid is quiet, all shaking breaths and nervous fiddling in his attempt to collect himself enough to process, his eyes anywhere but on the blank tablet screen.
I know you can't...because I don't intend to not be able to do the things I can't do either...But now Dr. Watson says it's an illness. That people like me get better.
He is tapping. Tapping his fingers against his knees, both hands, faster than he can keep up with. But it's calming enough and there is nothing here to clean with, nothing here to rearrange--this will have to do.
Kid doesn't realize he's been nearly silent for two minutes when he finally speaks again.]
I...I see. Once again, your confidence shows through, Miss Kesara. [Indulge him. He's a nervous wreck. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is, at its core, an anxiety disorder after all.] You are much more calm than I, talking about your...illness, as Dr. Watson has called it.
[She almost loses her patience as that wait stretches on, almost snaps and demands that he say something, though she knows very well that she can't, mustn't. She's gambled and laid her worst secret bare to him - she can't imagine having gambled wrong. But here in Norfinbury she isn't sure of anything. The sound of her breathing grows just a fraction louder as the first, then second minute stretch on, rasping very faintly as her mouth dries.
When he finally responds there's the crash of relief, and with it a wave of pride. Yes, she's much calmer. She's strong. No crying nor complaining about her difficulties. That's what makes her worthy despite the defect. Dr. Watson had called it an illness... does Dr. Watson really know?]
It's always been so. [Her voice is still very quiet. In a sense that's her version of his nervousness. As though if she's quiet enough, if she hides it enough, it would disappear.] So I have to be calm and find other way to do what I must do or - or they'll send me back.
[She stops there abruptly, realising what she'd just said to him - a complete stranger. Something not even Zach or Kunsel or Mr. Solomons know. Because what do they really know? What would they really understand?]
But Dr. Stein - the one who's here - he'd said you were normal. For your "species". [She sounds doubtful of that, though it's more the idea that Kid is a different species that gives her trouble, than the idea of him being normal or not.]
[It's always been so--just as Kid has spent his entire life, counting and clicking and touching and mapping and rearranging and cleaning and sorting and otherwise finding ways of managing to quell the crippling anxiety that constantly threatened to become overwhelming. For as long as he can remember.
But Kesara's words--] What do you mean, send you back?
[As he had when they had first spoken his tone is gentle. It's genuine. While the note of nerves hasn't left his voice, it is very clear he is sincere.
As for her question...:]
My father has said that a... [He hesitates, choosing his words as carefully as his father had.] ...a certain degree of intolerance for disorder is anticipated, yes.
Edited (tmw you see a wording error and can fix it, yeeeeaaah ) 2016-09-04 09:09 (UTC)
[If there is one thing worse than speaking of her illiteracy, it's speaking of the possibility of being sent back to Simla in the disgrace of it. It feels to Kesara like she is pulling something thick and writhing out of herself, from her stomach and up her throat. It's a sick feeling. If he hadn't been so gentle in asking, she wouldn't have been able to speak further.]
They'll send me back to my family in Simla to be married. It's a waste of time and effort to educate someone who can't learn. Everyone told Dr. Stein so - not your Dr. Stein. My teacher.
[And if there is one thing worse than returning to Simla and being married, it's disappointing Dame Doctor Ariel Stein.]
But, I don't think I understand, about your father - he must be the same as you, that is, the same kind of species? And he isn't like this?
What an extraordinary waste of your intellect and tenacity. [He's so matter-of-fact that it's clear that to Kid there is no other option. Kesara should not have to face such an outcome.] While I should hope marriage is not a life-ending institution, I believe I understand what you are insinuating.
It is a shame that there is such a limited understanding of what learning is or can be. I suspect you have learned quite a lot, have you not?
[When not lost in one of his asymmetry induced fits, Kid is typically very thoughtful. Rational. It's no wonder he considers Kesara brilliant regardless of her illiteracy and--more importantly--thinks the idea of her brilliance wasted is most unfortunate.
But she's moved on and he has no time to dwell on her potential misfortune. He clears his throat.] Yes, we are the same species, as you put it. However, he is not like..."this". My father particularly wanted me to have a closer understanding of humans and has raised me as such. [Kid has no real knowledge of the Kishin, the other fragment of Death's soul, the fear that Death himself had removed to create his first son. It would help him understand his father's seemingly unshakeable calm.] At times I do wonder how it is we are so different. Unlike human children, I have no biological mother. There is no additional genetic sequence to account for abberancies between us.
Edited (Clicking by "post" leads to odd typeo) 2016-09-16 02:19 (UTC)
[No matter how casually he says it, Kesara tenses, scenting for mockery like a bloodhound. She's had to learn to recognise even the faintest sound of it, to judge what she might say to people who give her anything resembling respect or kindness. Always better to err on the side of caution. But he really does sound like he means it, when he says something like a limited understanding of what learning is.]
I have learned a lot. [Defiance, almost, and bitter reflection. Learned a lot of tricks. And they serve, more than enough. She sometimes wishes she could be more openly proud of them.] There's a trick to everything, when you have to have one.
[You'd know, her tone implies. However badly he thinks he's coping with what Dr. Watson had called his illness, she's sure he has tricks of his own, as well. She's interested in it, in the places where they are alike.
The places where they are different confuse her, to her dismay. She doesn't know what a genetic sequence is, and is still not grasping quite what about Kid makes him a different species. He seems a boy like all the boys she'd known back in Serindia - except more thoughtful, deeper somehow.] Maybe he - your father - maybe he shouldn't have done it. Raised you as a human, I mean. Maybe that is why things went wrong for you. it isn't good to raise one breed of thing to be like another. That is what they say.
You have learned more than some of your teachers, it seems. [He manages to slip the comment in, before she presses on. Kesara may continue to search him for signs of teasing, but Kid is honest, and plainly so.]
There are tricks to everything when necessary, of course. [Unlike hers, his tone implies resignation. She may have pride in her own tricks, her ways of working around her own difficulties. Kid, however, finds his 'tricks' to be hindrances. Additional steps, a list as long as he is tall of ways to manage--to get by. To quiet his anxieties enough to make it through the day.
He contemplates her comment, thoughtful. She may hear him fiddling with something, the nervous movement of his fingers off screen as he had earlier. This time, it's the skull clasp at his neck as he ponders her comment.]
I have never doubted his decisions.
It is, furthermore, far easier for humans to come to trust a figure of Death that looks like them--as opposed to a faceless figure, a mask in a cloak, Death that they can in no way identify with.
If...his decision has lead to this-- [If he could, he would gingerly wave his hand to suggest his entire being, his nervous energy, the hours of counting and arranging, the endless anxiety] --then I believe he has his reasons.
Oah, no. [The denial is immediate. She daren't even contemplate what he's implying. Her teachers are a breed apart from all others. That they are her teachers at all is cause for gratitude beyond anything her fear or resentment might overcome.] Not Dr. Stein - Dr. Stein is the greatest explorer alive. She chose me because I was worthy of it and she gives me exactly what I'm worthy of.
[There is still fear, of course. Worth needs proving. But it means that all she gets, she earns. Even if by tricks, always by tricks. As long as tricks are enough.
That is the greatest fear. It's what prompted her to talk to Kid. She isn't able to explain it yet, not properly; she listens instead, though now he's starting to talk about mad things, ones she's far from sure she understands. Unfortunately, when she does find a frame of reference in her own knowledge for this talk about Death that looks like a man, it's one that makes her blink in confusion and then in wry doubt that runs into her tone.]
Are you - do you mean you are - like the incarnate son of God? The son of Death who came to Earth to, to be with us and guide us?
The meaning of education is to raise students that will one day know as much as their teachers--and in the future, know even more. Not now, of course, as children. But when you have grown older and wiser.
That is the nature of humanity's progress. They would be otherwise doomed to repetition--learning and relearning the same things, again and again. It is no insult to your Doctor Stein--she has learned what her generation is capable of. Your generation will make strides that hers simply cannot. Your generation's children will learn and develop technology and things you could never comprehend. That is how knowledge works.
[Once again, Kid is calm and matter-of-fact, level-headed and simple. He means no insult and he doesn't want to be rude. To him it is simple cause and effect--Kid's analytical mind simply views learning as building blocks. Steps. One generation laying the path for another, and so on.]
Literacy need not be the primary source for learning. For many centuries the bulk of the populace did not read. Finding an alternative or workaround would be beneficial in that it permits you access to works of literature you might otherwise not see, but...
[His rambling tapers off as she presses on, and he can hear the doubt in her tone. Tension crawls into his stomach, and he shifts nervously.]
I...do not believe I understand your question. Incarnate son of Death is a bit...extravagant. My father and I are both quite physical and live in a very real locations. And it is quite important we not meddle--Father constantly reminds me it is not my place to get involved. There is an order to the world that we are not to get involved in.
[INow short, Kid has no concept of Christianity. Kesara's comment alluding to it is meaningless to him. And to directly refer to either him or his father as a god has clearly made him uncomfortable as he stumbles over his reply to her question.]
[He speaks so well, for a moment she forgets why she called him, forgets how anxious he'd been and the things he said he cannot do. Perhaps that's his trick. She thinks to herself that Dame Ariel would have liked him very much, even though he says she's limited, perhaps even wrong, and somehow she doesn't resent that thought.]
It must be true, [she mutters, half to herself.] Because the future has things in it that I could hardly imagine. They say there are machines that fly, and talk, and even ones that think, like these tablets... they say you can go anywhere in the world now, and see everything, and that women can be - that they can be everything they please. [Sometimes she simply sits and thinks about it, thinks about it for what feels like hours, about how all that is possible, with fierce and dizzying awe. But now, she thinks about it and suddenly a part of her is sad.]
But it's not true that Dr. Stein and my teachers have learned all they're capable of. Maybe others have, but surely not her. Not Lady Gavin. Not Lao Dian. If they were here they could learn everything I have. When I go back I'll teach them. You'll see. [Saying that makes her feel much better, so she says it again.] You'll see.
[She feels more confident with that, and that confidence colours how she thinks of his explanation, carefully considers what she believes. He isn't lying - it's too mad a thing to be lying about. Perhaps he is mad. She is still, after all, half convinced that Enoch is, with his talk about God and his angels. But then, she has frameworks other than the Christian.]
Is your father the king of the underworld? The Greeks, they said - but you said you have no mortal mother. So it isn't the same. [She's let go of doubt, not focused on trying to process the story in more sensible terms. Her mind is analytical much like his.] But he still made you a, a sacrifice. Something to give to humanity, to help them.
[Terms she understands. The implications of them aren't something she entirely grasps.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
equal_shots) wrote2016-05-06 12:48 am
no subject
I am...sure he meant well. Obviously, he intended to educate Mr. Solomons, correct?
[Of course, "Mr. Solomons" went on to continue to agitate the young reaper enough that he ended up having the tablet taken away from him, but that is neither here nor there. Kid takes a slow breath, running his hands over his face.]
Miss Freamon--ah, Miss Kesara-- shit --Kesara, my apologies. I forgot. [Kid is used to roundabout discussion of his disordered behavior. Laughter from his rambunctious blonde weapon partner as he is in shambles and hysterics because the setup of the room is asymmetrical, a comment of disgust from his classmate about his perpetual tardiness because seven AM is a hideous time to arrive at...but he is unused to Watson's simple explanation that his personality quirks are disordered behavior--and treatable at that. That Kesara has followed up herself and is now asking is a bit much, and it's showing in how cripplingly anxious Kid's reactions are becoming. He had been calm and collected the last times they had talked, but now he is nothing short of a mess.] What he said--about me--
What is it you are trying to get at? [He doesn't sound angry; more frustrated than anything else. His hands are in his hair again, tugging at strands of striped hair.] I've certainly never started a mission planning to--I don't want to have to rearrange--I don't intend to spend hours--
[Kid heaves a shaking sigh, exasperated.] I can't help it!
no subject
But of course there is. She understands completely because she had been in his place, because now she is sure of what she'd only considered as a way possibility when she messaged him. The reason she had messaged him. He isn't faking this. Something is wrong with him, and perhaps it really is not so different from what is wrong with her.]
I know you can't. [She speaks very quietly. She does that, when it's time to speak truths. Truths are easier to whisper.] I know because - because I don't intend to not be able to - to do the things I can't do either. They said I was lazy and wasn't trying hard enough and that I was lying about it to get out of doing work and learning and that I should be ashamed. And then they said, it's a defect. Like a crippled foot, but in the brain...
[Now it's her turn to stop, draw a breath. It's not as hard on her as it clearly is on him, and she can't quite say why - she doesn't want to say it's because she's stronger. That is just the wrong thing to say. And it is still hard. She's so used to straining so much, coming up with so many tricks to hide it.]
But now Dr. Watson says it's a an illness. That people like me get better.
no subject
I know you can't...because I don't intend to not be able to do the things I can't do either...But now Dr. Watson says it's an illness. That people like me get better.
He is tapping. Tapping his fingers against his knees, both hands, faster than he can keep up with. But it's calming enough and there is nothing here to clean with, nothing here to rearrange--this will have to do.
Kid doesn't realize he's been nearly silent for two minutes when he finally speaks again.]
I...I see. Once again, your confidence shows through, Miss Kesara. [Indulge him. He's a nervous wreck. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is, at its core, an anxiety disorder after all.] You are much more calm than I, talking about your...illness, as Dr. Watson has called it.
no subject
When he finally responds there's the crash of relief, and with it a wave of pride. Yes, she's much calmer. She's strong. No crying nor complaining about her difficulties. That's what makes her worthy despite the defect. Dr. Watson had called it an illness... does Dr. Watson really know?]
It's always been so. [Her voice is still very quiet. In a sense that's her version of his nervousness. As though if she's quiet enough, if she hides it enough, it would disappear.] So I have to be calm and find other way to do what I must do or - or they'll send me back.
[She stops there abruptly, realising what she'd just said to him - a complete stranger. Something not even Zach or Kunsel or Mr. Solomons know. Because what do they really know? What would they really understand?]
But Dr. Stein - the one who's here - he'd said you were normal. For your "species". [She sounds doubtful of that, though it's more the idea that Kid is a different species that gives her trouble, than the idea of him being normal or not.]
no subject
But Kesara's words--] What do you mean, send you back?
[As he had when they had first spoken his tone is gentle. It's genuine. While the note of nerves hasn't left his voice, it is very clear he is sincere.
As for her question...:]
My father has said that a... [He hesitates, choosing his words as carefully as his father had.] ...a certain degree of intolerance for disorder is anticipated, yes.
no subject
They'll send me back to my family in Simla to be married. It's a waste of time and effort to educate someone who can't learn. Everyone told Dr. Stein so - not your Dr. Stein. My teacher.
[And if there is one thing worse than returning to Simla and being married, it's disappointing Dame Doctor Ariel Stein.]
But, I don't think I understand, about your father - he must be the same as you, that is, the same kind of species? And he isn't like this?
no subject
It is a shame that there is such a limited understanding of what learning is or can be. I suspect you have learned quite a lot, have you not?
[When not lost in one of his asymmetry induced fits, Kid is typically very thoughtful. Rational. It's no wonder he considers Kesara brilliant regardless of her illiteracy and--more importantly--thinks the idea of her brilliance wasted is most unfortunate.
But she's moved on and he has no time to dwell on her potential misfortune. He clears his throat.] Yes, we are the same species, as you put it. However, he is not like..."this". My father particularly wanted me to have a closer understanding of humans and has raised me as such. [Kid has no real knowledge of the Kishin, the other fragment of Death's soul, the fear that Death himself had removed to create his first son. It would help him understand his father's seemingly unshakeable calm.] At times I do wonder how it is we are so different. Unlike human children, I have no biological mother. There is no additional genetic sequence to account for abberancies between us.
no subject
I have learned a lot. [Defiance, almost, and bitter reflection. Learned a lot of tricks. And they serve, more than enough. She sometimes wishes she could be more openly proud of them.] There's a trick to everything, when you have to have one.
[You'd know, her tone implies. However badly he thinks he's coping with what Dr. Watson had called his illness, she's sure he has tricks of his own, as well. She's interested in it, in the places where they are alike.
The places where they are different confuse her, to her dismay. She doesn't know what a genetic sequence is, and is still not grasping quite what about Kid makes him a different species. He seems a boy like all the boys she'd known back in Serindia - except more thoughtful, deeper somehow.] Maybe he - your father - maybe he shouldn't have done it. Raised you as a human, I mean. Maybe that is why things went wrong for you. it isn't good to raise one breed of thing to be like another. That is what they say.
no subject
There are tricks to everything when necessary, of course. [Unlike hers, his tone implies resignation. She may have pride in her own tricks, her ways of working around her own difficulties. Kid, however, finds his 'tricks' to be hindrances. Additional steps, a list as long as he is tall of ways to manage--to get by. To quiet his anxieties enough to make it through the day.
He contemplates her comment, thoughtful. She may hear him fiddling with something, the nervous movement of his fingers off screen as he had earlier. This time, it's the skull clasp at his neck as he ponders her comment.]
I have never doubted his decisions.
It is, furthermore, far easier for humans to come to trust a figure of Death that looks like them--as opposed to a faceless figure, a mask in a cloak, Death that they can in no way identify with.
If...his decision has lead to this-- [If he could, he would gingerly wave his hand to suggest his entire being, his nervous energy, the hours of counting and arranging, the endless anxiety] --then I believe he has his reasons.
no subject
[There is still fear, of course. Worth needs proving. But it means that all she gets, she earns. Even if by tricks, always by tricks. As long as tricks are enough.
That is the greatest fear. It's what prompted her to talk to Kid. She isn't able to explain it yet, not properly; she listens instead, though now he's starting to talk about mad things, ones she's far from sure she understands. Unfortunately, when she does find a frame of reference in her own knowledge for this talk about Death that looks like a man, it's one that makes her blink in confusion and then in wry doubt that runs into her tone.]
Are you - do you mean you are - like the incarnate son of God? The son of Death who came to Earth to, to be with us and guide us?
no subject
That is the nature of humanity's progress. They would be otherwise doomed to repetition--learning and relearning the same things, again and again. It is no insult to your Doctor Stein--she has learned what her generation is capable of. Your generation will make strides that hers simply cannot. Your generation's children will learn and develop technology and things you could never comprehend. That is how knowledge works.
[Once again, Kid is calm and matter-of-fact, level-headed and simple. He means no insult and he doesn't want to be rude. To him it is simple cause and effect--Kid's analytical mind simply views learning as building blocks. Steps. One generation laying the path for another, and so on.]
Literacy need not be the primary source for learning. For many centuries the bulk of the populace did not read. Finding an alternative or workaround would be beneficial in that it permits you access to works of literature you might otherwise not see, but...
[His rambling tapers off as she presses on, and he can hear the doubt in her tone. Tension crawls into his stomach, and he shifts nervously.]
I...do not believe I understand your question. Incarnate son of Death is a bit...extravagant. My father and I are both quite physical and live in a very real locations. And it is quite important we not meddle--Father constantly reminds me it is not my place to get involved. There is an order to the world that we are not to get involved in.
[INow short, Kid has no concept of Christianity. Kesara's comment alluding to it is meaningless to him. And to directly refer to either him or his father as a god has clearly made him uncomfortable as he stumbles over his reply to her question.]
no subject
It must be true, [she mutters, half to herself.] Because the future has things in it that I could hardly imagine. They say there are machines that fly, and talk, and even ones that think, like these tablets... they say you can go anywhere in the world now, and see everything, and that women can be - that they can be everything they please. [Sometimes she simply sits and thinks about it, thinks about it for what feels like hours, about how all that is possible, with fierce and dizzying awe. But now, she thinks about it and suddenly a part of her is sad.]
But it's not true that Dr. Stein and my teachers have learned all they're capable of. Maybe others have, but surely not her. Not Lady Gavin. Not Lao Dian. If they were here they could learn everything I have. When I go back I'll teach them. You'll see. [Saying that makes her feel much better, so she says it again.] You'll see.
[She feels more confident with that, and that confidence colours how she thinks of his explanation, carefully considers what she believes. He isn't lying - it's too mad a thing to be lying about. Perhaps he is mad. She is still, after all, half convinced that Enoch is, with his talk about God and his angels. But then, she has frameworks other than the Christian.]
Is your father the king of the underworld? The Greeks, they said - but you said you have no mortal mother. So it isn't the same. [She's let go of doubt, not focused on trying to process the story in more sensible terms. Her mind is analytical much like his.] But he still made you a, a sacrifice. Something to give to humanity, to help them.
[Terms she understands. The implications of them aren't something she entirely grasps.]